Right away, I knew it was going to be a difficult drive. People were driving like maniacs. What’s wrong with these people? It’s like Boyle’s Law for automobiles: as density increases, so does pressure.

I managed to make it to the shoe store, the bank, and the fuel station without incident. It was after leaving the biodiesel pump when things got interesting. A guy making a right turn after me honked at me for coming to a complete stop before making my right turn. ACTUALLY HONKED AT ME for obeying the traffic laws! What a FUCKER! I immediately flipped him off. This was the first time I’d ever done that. He of course did not stop, overtook me on the left, and crossed in front of me without signaling. I laid on him for a good two seconds with 100 watts of air horn. But I soon forgot about him because I spotted an accident ahead. I hit my amber lights and protected what turned out to be the scene of a rear-end collision between a dump truck hauling a small front-end loader (rear ender) and a black VW Passat wagon (rear endee). Fortunately the VW’s driver, a nice lady named Jane, wasn’t hurt. It took Colorado State Patrol a good 20 minutes to get there, then I took off.

It doesn’t sound very exciting when I write it up that way, does it? How about this:

Cars whizzing by on every side through the shards of the shattered rear window, I alone stood between safety and another possible rear-end collision at the intersection of a major interstate highway and one of the busiest boulevards in the west Denver area. State Patrol came to the rescue but not before several near-misses with inattentive motorists who couldn’t look ahead further than their own bumpers to see the flashing yellow caution lights.

Happy holidays and drive safely y’all. I don’t want to have to save your ass. Again.