Here’s a rough translation matrix for those of you out there looking through job listings online and otherwise.

Fast paced and fun work environment:
Crazy busy and chaotic

Competitive pay:
Competitive for us: you get just over minimum wage and definitely not a living wage.

Excellent opportunities for advancement:
Start at the bottom and stay at the bottom until someone above you dies or has a psychotic break. We don’t care about any degrees you may have.

Sales contest awards:
If you don’t sell enough then you’re fired.

Discounts on merchandise:
This is to discourage you from stealing from us since we obviously don’t value our employees enough to give them real benefits.

Paid training:
Mandatory, time wasting training… if you ever want to even be considered for a promotion.

Candidates must have high energy:
Employees work really awful hours.

Candidates must be able to multitask:
We’re understaffed and you’ll be overworked.