I have been a part of the dating scene for many years now, but I have yet to go on tons of dates. I’ve tried my hand (no pun intended) at internet dating with no luck whatsoever. I think I went on two dates total. Maybe three.

I came up with some of the most clever, original, intelligent, and humorous personals ads to be found anywhere on the net. Seriously. The response was underwhelming. So as of now I’m announcing that I’m giving up online dating altogether. As such, I can no more ask in this blog, “hey, know any cute chicks?” Not as though this blog was a tool for romance at any point in the past anyway (sssh!), but I resolve it shall not be at any point in the future.

Now, If I were a reasonably attractive woman who knew where to find the punctuation on a keyboard (and who had a digital camera at her disposal) I’d have no trouble whatsoever finding dates. My inbox would be stuffed with eager emails from men all over the world ready to show me a good time. Actually, that sounds almost as bad. But at least I’d have a choice. As it stands now I can proudly say my inbox is uncluttered with such encumbrances.

So to all the internet women out there—real women who somehow or another decided to poke around the internet instead of troll a bar for the evening—I’m sorry you wasted your time on me. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll run in to me in the real world and we can exchange glances across a crowded room. Then rush on to craigslist’s missed connections section to see if someone posted about us.

If only.